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Isle of Man
13 Feb 2012, 19:00:59
**************How to Give a Cat a Pill*****************
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged gently between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurine from hearth and set another side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to hold down the cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply hot compress to cheek and disinfect. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid your miserable cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little @#%'s front paws to rear paws, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume some goodly amount of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for the Adopt-A-Pet center to come and collect the cat. Then call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
B. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
13 Feb 2012, 20:05:45
Re: **************How to Give a Cat a Pill*****************
The cat from my childhood did it rather more subtle. It would fake the swallowing but half an hour later we would find a soggy pill it had spit out on the carpet.
Recipe: Duck with Scottish whiskey
Buy a duck (5 kilo) for 6 people; two bottles of Scottish Whiskey, bacon, olive oil
Lard the duck and rub with salt and pepper.
Preheat the oven at 180° celcius, and fill half a glas of whisky. Drink the whisky while the oven preheats. Put the duck in an ovendish and fill a second glass of whisky. Put the duck in the oven and drink the whisky.
After 20 minutes, turn the oven to 200 degrees and vill two glazzez of wiski. Drink the glazzez and clean up the splinters of de first glaz. Pour another glaz and drinkit.
After thirty minits open de ovvento sjeck on the duk. Go to batroom to look fur oointment to put on de lefthand. Kik de ovven !
Pour two glazzez of wiski and drink up the middle glaz. Open de ovven and teek out de duk. Put oointment on right hand and pick up duk from grount. Pickit up a second time and make towwel wet to clean ointment from de duk.
Klean hands with viski. Pickup duk again and put in ovven. Open sec cond botel of viski and try to get up. Pikup tuub of hointment from grount.
Keeb zitting on de floor and put bottel of viski on de floor. Drink from de botel bicoz al de glazez aar brooken. Turn of ovven, cloos eyes and fall on grount again.
Next morning: garnish the duck with lemongrass; clean up the kitchen and the ceiling. Clean up all the broken glass and bring it together with the two empty bottles to the container. Stop at the pharmacist to get some maalox.
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