In times of change, though; The last thing we need is to ignore what's good and focus solely on what's bad, says Ryan; A life coach, workshop presenter and corporate trainer.
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There's a cartoon M.J. Ryan has had over her desk for years. A woman holding a pointer is standing before a chart with two bar columns -- one tall, the other short.
 
She's pointing to the tall one. "This is everything you've ever worried about," she says. The short column? "That's everything you've ever worried about that actually happened."
 
The San Francisco-based writer keeps the cartoon to remind herself of her tendency to catastrophize, as she puts it, and to scare herself with all the 'what ifs' she obsesses about, as she observes in her latest book, Adaptability: How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For (Broadway Books, $23.99).
 
Ryan is not alone, of course. We all do it. As Mark Twain famously observed, "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."
 
Seems we're programmed to act in ways that were useful, back when our ancestors were being chased by animals, and there was an advantage in perceiving danger quickly. Ryan cites psychologist Rick Hanson and neurologist Rick Mendius, writing in the journal Inquiring Mind: "The brain is hardwired to scan for the bad, and when it inevitably finds negative things, they get stored immediately and made available for rapid recall."
 
In contrast, most positive experiences are registered through standard memory systems: To sink in, they need to be held in our conscious awareness for 10 to 20 seconds. "In sum, your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. . . . This built-in bias puts a negative spin on the world and intensifies our stress reactivity."
 
I love that visual image -- and picture my anxieties Velcroed up there in my brain.
 
In times of change, though, the last thing we need is to ignore what's good and focus solely on what's bad, says Ryan, a life coach, workshop presenter and corporate trainer. Dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings helps you to stay stuck in them.
 
Ryan says she has been trying not to dwell on her worries, because it serves only to produce more anxiety. Still, when the notion of change scares her, "I find my mind going straight to all that I don't want to happen, rather than what I do."
 
And yet, change has always been a part of life. Hans Selye wrote more than 50 years ago that "the secret to health and happiness lies in successful adjustment to the ever-changing conditions on this globe." The penalties for failing to adapt, he said, are disease and unhappiness.
 
And yet many of us react to change by denying or resisting it, by insisting that the old way was better. We are afraid of what will happen next. I am afraid of what will happen next nearly all the time. Afraid it will be something bad, for one. And I am not someone who rolls with the punches: I tense up and resist them.
 
It's fine to bitch and moan in the face of change we didn't ask for, Ryan writes -- but not forever. "After a certain point, we can get trapped in our feelings, which gets in the way of accepting the change and moving forward," she writes. "Anger hardens into bitterness."
 
So take a break from thinking about what's bothering you, Ryan says: Walk. Dance. See a funny movie. In time, you will learn that you are more resilient than you think.
 
"That's the amazing thing about change. Some of us do everything to avoid it. We doubt our capacity to live through it. Yet when it arrives on our doorstep, most of us are able to reach deep into ourselves and find the inner strength to strap on a sturdy pair of shoes and walk toward the light."
 
And another thing: Don't assume that just because you didn't ask for it, the change is not a blessing in disguise.
 
Ryan recalled the day a friend came to comfort her when she was in the middle of the searing pain of a divorce she had not wanted. Her friend whispered into her ear, "You don't know it yet, but this breakup is some new guy's lucky day."
 
Six months later, she found that guy.